Sunday Morning

I just broke down.
How the hell am i supposed to live like this? i knew i was going to be like this. I haven't left my bed in i don't know how many hours. That's what i get for only having D & C as my best friends(and boyfriend). I have nothing to do, with anyone. It freaking sucks!! and i hate all the "friends" that i have here, they are so fake (not in a good way) and having a brain is not in style. They are ALL stupid. And they ask me later why i don't ever go out.. as if it were ME the one who is boring and not interesting, funny isn't it?

I don't think that i can't deal with this, what is hard to process is that is not going to be just summer, or just a semester.. it's a whole damn year! and i can be super strong and put extra, extra, extra effort in the relationship, and i don't know maybe just super concentrate in school, to keep my mind busy while in still stuck in this stupid town. But what if he doesn't? don't get me wrong, i know he would never do anything to hurt me, but life is life, and what if something happens? And we have talked about it, we are not supposed to think about the future, and just live the present! the right now! but hey, guess what? the present sucks! there's nothing to live for right now. That philosophy is not going to cut it anymore, because a long distance relationship it's all about the future! is an investment, to be together in the future. So how can i not take into account what's going to happen next?
i just don't want to be brokenhearted, i don't have time for it, i don't like depression, i hate to think about life without him in it.

Just hard, and D is always there for me, but hey! he's not here either. Is it a sign? should i get out of here as soon as possible? i mean I'm trying. I even feel like seeing O, which is weird. She's going to come back and she is going to want to be with all those "friends" that i am so fond of.. *sigh*

It's frustrating. And as if this were not enough stress, mom is having $$$ problems, because of my New York modeling dream, i feel guilty and selfish. Sometimes i think i should've waited until i graduated and paid for it myself. And the thing is i don't know if I'm a good enough model, i am not as skinny, or tall, i know i am sort of good, but not good enough.
I have always had that odd feeling of not being good enough. I was not good enough to become a ballerina when i was 10, or to stay in my rock band when i was 14, I was not a good enough at being a music major at 18, or art, I don't think I have what it takes to be a good make up artist, I don't even think that if I become a business person that i would be as good. I mean I am sort of good in all these things, but not great, or good enough. I think the IMTA thing is going to be the closest i will ever get to fulfill a dream this big. I think that might be the real reason why i am doing it. and it's aaaall stupid because i can't even stand myself thinking this stuff, as if i were feeling sorry for myself, and i don't.
I just think that i have been fighting against the whole freaking world my whole life, because i want to be different, i feel different from everyone, and it's frustrating that i try, and try , and try over and over again, and there's no reward for me, i don't get anything but this! opportunities that i just watch slip away, the people i love, far away, dad is getting sicker everyday (let me tell you that alcoholism is just as hard and frustrating than any other terminal disease). And I know i am blessed with all these other stuff that God has provided, but as many would understand, it's hard to accept when things are not meant for you, and we have to trust what God is trying to teach us. And maybe just God has a different plan for me that doesn't include anything that i thought i was meant to be. And it's ok. But is hard.