I just broke down.
How the hell am i supposed to live like this? i knew i was going to be like this. I haven't left my bed in i don't know how many hours. That's what i get for only having D & C as my best friends(and boyfriend). I have nothing to do, with anyone. It freaking sucks!! and i hate all the "friends" that i have here, they are so fake (not in a good way) and having a brain is not in style. They are ALL stupid. And they ask me later why i don't ever go out.. as if it were ME the one who is boring and not interesting, funny isn't it?
I don't think that i can't deal with this, what is hard to process is that is not going to be just summer, or just a semester.. it's a whole damn year! and i can be super strong and put extra, extra, extra effort in the relationship, and i don't know maybe just super concentrate in school, to keep my mind busy while in still stuck in this stupid town. But what if he doesn't? don't get me wrong, i know he would never do anything to hurt me, but life is life, and what if something happens? And we have talked about it, we are not supposed to think about the future, and just live the present! the right now! but hey, guess what? the present sucks! there's nothing to live for right now. That philosophy is not going to cut it anymore, because a long distance relationship it's all about the future! is an investment, to be together in the future. So how can i not take into account what's going to happen next?
i just don't want to be brokenhearted, i don't have time for it, i don't like depression, i hate to think about life without him in it.
Just hard, and D is always there for me, but hey! he's not here either. Is it a sign? should i get out of here as soon as possible? i mean I'm trying. I even feel like seeing O, which is weird. She's going to come back and she is going to want to be with all those "friends" that i am so fond of.. *sigh*
It's frustrating. And as if this were not enough stress, mom is having $$$ problems, because of my New York modeling dream, i feel guilty and selfish. Sometimes i think i should've waited until i graduated and paid for it myself. And the thing is i don't know if I'm a good enough model, i am not as skinny, or tall, i know i am sort of good, but not good enough.
I have always had that odd feeling of not being good enough. I was not good enough to become a ballerina when i was 10, or to stay in my rock band when i was 14, I was not a good enough at being a music major at 18, or art, I don't think I have what it takes to be a good make up artist, I don't even think that if I become a business person that i would be as good. I mean I am sort of good in all these things, but not great, or good enough. I think the IMTA thing is going to be the closest i will ever get to fulfill a dream this big. I think that might be the real reason why i am doing it. and it's aaaall stupid because i can't even stand myself thinking this stuff, as if i were feeling sorry for myself, and i don't.
I just think that i have been fighting against the whole freaking world my whole life, because i want to be different, i feel different from everyone, and it's frustrating that i try, and try , and try over and over again, and there's no reward for me, i don't get anything but this! opportunities that i just watch slip away, the people i love, far away, dad is getting sicker everyday (let me tell you that alcoholism is just as hard and frustrating than any other terminal disease). And I know i am blessed with all these other stuff that God has provided, but as many would understand, it's hard to accept when things are not meant for you, and we have to trust what God is trying to teach us. And maybe just God has a different plan for me that doesn't include anything that i thought i was meant to be. And it's ok. But is hard.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Imagine if you Let Go
I believe that the hardest things in life are to forgive, to let go and say goodbye.
If you notice, all of these have in common that we have to deal with being able to detach
from something or someone.
I've been feeling so weird, this thing about he leaving is going to be too hard. Don't get me wrong, i will do everything humanly possible to keep our relationship growing.
It's weird for me not because i don't think i can do it, because i am more than 100% confident that i will put all my efforts to work this out. The thing is that i am scared, we are so used to be together and be right next to each other whenever we need it most.
Today while i was taking a nap i had this dream, and i think it means something!!
C and I were driving in his car, and he wanted to stop at an ATM before this party we were going, and when he got out of the car, two strange men started walking towards the car and i was sure they were trying to harm us, the man tried to open my door, (i locked it just in time) so i freaked and jumped to the driver's seat and told C to get in the car, he did it just in time before the other man got him.
I was shaking and my driving trying to escape was nowhere near to be like the Fast and Furious or anything heroic; and just when i tried to turn on the next street a bunch of men dressed in black started shooting at us, and we could just put our heads down, i drove a little more without no vision whatsoever on what was in front of us.
As soon as we felt we were out of the sight of the guys shooting we got out of the car as soon as possible and ran through the empty dark streets.
We ran until we found a house were there were a lot of people outside, the seem to be having fun, and a few drinks, we decided to stay there for a while (a lot of witnesses and maybe we could blend in with the others). After a few minutes three police cars surrounded the party, they were checking for minors drinking, and C was being interrogated by a fat old cop, i was being interviewed by this young beautiful black woman, and i was trying to explain to her what happened to us, and that i left my ID at the car. It took me a while to convince her that it was the truth, but i guess she saw i was being honest (and not drinking) so she tried to help, and whenever i turned to tell C that she would escort us home and we would be safe, he was gone.
What i felt in that moment is just inexplicable, there was this empty darkness in me, as if he took the life inside of me with him, the only thing that comforted me was that he was probably with the fat cop so he would not be harmed. I begged the woman to take me home, i felt that he would go there if he didn't see me.
She took me in the police car to our house. We waited there until the sunrise, the keys of the house were at C's car so i couldn't get in.
After hours of being extremely patient, and feeling so confused, scared and anxious at the same time, he showed up, he was fine and he had my key to the house. I woke up (10 min until 1, i was going to be late for class).
Maybe it's going to be like that dream. We are going to feel anxious, confused and we are going to have to be extremely patient. But at the end we are going to work things out and we will be fine.
We have forgiven each others mistakes, We've let go of the past, the insecurities and doubts, and now we have to say goodbye for some time. But if we get through this one,every other obstacle will be a lot easier to overcome, nothing is going to break us apart right?
I'm just hopeful that the feeling i have is right, that he is the ONE.I do believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, and I think he's the one that he wants me to love, appreciate and take care of.
I'm just terrified of losing him.
I love him, like I've never loved anyone else.
It is different, it's not like a childish high school fun feeling,
love is way more complicated than that.
Communication is one of those complicated parts of love.
But we are good at it.
It's just hard to see you go.
I'm just so happy that i get to share my life with him.
I'm just so lucky to be in love with my best friend.
If you notice, all of these have in common that we have to deal with being able to detach
from something or someone.
I've been feeling so weird, this thing about he leaving is going to be too hard. Don't get me wrong, i will do everything humanly possible to keep our relationship growing.
It's weird for me not because i don't think i can do it, because i am more than 100% confident that i will put all my efforts to work this out. The thing is that i am scared, we are so used to be together and be right next to each other whenever we need it most.
Today while i was taking a nap i had this dream, and i think it means something!!
C and I were driving in his car, and he wanted to stop at an ATM before this party we were going, and when he got out of the car, two strange men started walking towards the car and i was sure they were trying to harm us, the man tried to open my door, (i locked it just in time) so i freaked and jumped to the driver's seat and told C to get in the car, he did it just in time before the other man got him.
I was shaking and my driving trying to escape was nowhere near to be like the Fast and Furious or anything heroic; and just when i tried to turn on the next street a bunch of men dressed in black started shooting at us, and we could just put our heads down, i drove a little more without no vision whatsoever on what was in front of us.
As soon as we felt we were out of the sight of the guys shooting we got out of the car as soon as possible and ran through the empty dark streets.
We ran until we found a house were there were a lot of people outside, the seem to be having fun, and a few drinks, we decided to stay there for a while (a lot of witnesses and maybe we could blend in with the others). After a few minutes three police cars surrounded the party, they were checking for minors drinking, and C was being interrogated by a fat old cop, i was being interviewed by this young beautiful black woman, and i was trying to explain to her what happened to us, and that i left my ID at the car. It took me a while to convince her that it was the truth, but i guess she saw i was being honest (and not drinking) so she tried to help, and whenever i turned to tell C that she would escort us home and we would be safe, he was gone.
What i felt in that moment is just inexplicable, there was this empty darkness in me, as if he took the life inside of me with him, the only thing that comforted me was that he was probably with the fat cop so he would not be harmed. I begged the woman to take me home, i felt that he would go there if he didn't see me.
She took me in the police car to our house. We waited there until the sunrise, the keys of the house were at C's car so i couldn't get in.
After hours of being extremely patient, and feeling so confused, scared and anxious at the same time, he showed up, he was fine and he had my key to the house. I woke up (10 min until 1, i was going to be late for class).
Maybe it's going to be like that dream. We are going to feel anxious, confused and we are going to have to be extremely patient. But at the end we are going to work things out and we will be fine.
We have forgiven each others mistakes, We've let go of the past, the insecurities and doubts, and now we have to say goodbye for some time. But if we get through this one,every other obstacle will be a lot easier to overcome, nothing is going to break us apart right?
I'm just hopeful that the feeling i have is right, that he is the ONE.I do believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, and I think he's the one that he wants me to love, appreciate and take care of.
I'm just terrified of losing him.
I love him, like I've never loved anyone else.
It is different, it's not like a childish high school fun feeling,
love is way more complicated than that.
Communication is one of those complicated parts of love.
But we are good at it.
It's just hard to see you go.
I'm just so happy that i get to share my life with him.
I'm just so lucky to be in love with my best friend.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Dream Wedding?
I just woke up feeling extremely uncomfortable and worried. Why? because I thought what I was dreaming was reality, and it was scary and didn't make sense.
It was my wedding, but everything was wrong, my best friends didn't congratulate me, they were mad at me. My family was not even happy for me. The dress was too big for me, I hated the place (it looked like a library on a boat that was not on water). My new mother-in-law was being mean and I didn't even know her. Everything was new to me even the groom, I didn't know him and we were handcuffed to each other, and he was FINE with it!!
I was trapped with this guy that I didn't know and my family and friends were mad at me because they knew I was not happy, all I could think about was C. How could i do this to him? I didn't want this unless the person besides me was C. I needed to get rid of this stranger and try to explain it to him.
Then I woke up.
Thank God it was just a dream. But now I am thinking, Is that how it feels like? to get what you want, but not in the right way.
One of my dreams now is to get married in a couple of years and be happy, and have kids. But not with someone I don't know. In the dream I was so worried that C was not there, as if i had erased the previous years before the wedding.. I couldn't remember what happened, how did I get there?
Maybe my unconscious mind is trying to remind me that even if I have to give up marriage and kids, it's all going to be worth it, because C will be there. right?
I've been thinking a lot about this the last 3 days. Is it worth it to give up these dreams, to be with C, and i guess I have my answer.
Isn't it weird that when you are going through something on the radio the song fits you, or a book you r reading in school, or church! the sermon ALWAYS has answers for whatever it is that you are struggling with.
When I woke up the first thing that i saw was this very interesting quote that fits for today: "Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and hope for Tomorrow." <3
It was my wedding, but everything was wrong, my best friends didn't congratulate me, they were mad at me. My family was not even happy for me. The dress was too big for me, I hated the place (it looked like a library on a boat that was not on water). My new mother-in-law was being mean and I didn't even know her. Everything was new to me even the groom, I didn't know him and we were handcuffed to each other, and he was FINE with it!!
I was trapped with this guy that I didn't know and my family and friends were mad at me because they knew I was not happy, all I could think about was C. How could i do this to him? I didn't want this unless the person besides me was C. I needed to get rid of this stranger and try to explain it to him.
Then I woke up.
Thank God it was just a dream. But now I am thinking, Is that how it feels like? to get what you want, but not in the right way.
One of my dreams now is to get married in a couple of years and be happy, and have kids. But not with someone I don't know. In the dream I was so worried that C was not there, as if i had erased the previous years before the wedding.. I couldn't remember what happened, how did I get there?
Maybe my unconscious mind is trying to remind me that even if I have to give up marriage and kids, it's all going to be worth it, because C will be there. right?
I've been thinking a lot about this the last 3 days. Is it worth it to give up these dreams, to be with C, and i guess I have my answer.
Isn't it weird that when you are going through something on the radio the song fits you, or a book you r reading in school, or church! the sermon ALWAYS has answers for whatever it is that you are struggling with.
When I woke up the first thing that i saw was this very interesting quote that fits for today: "Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and hope for Tomorrow." <3
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
New start.. Good or Bad news?
Ok before you start reading stop!!! Deep breath!!!
If you don't know me personally, go on.. thanks for reading i guess.. :D
If you do, don't judge! It is a frustrated dream to be a writer, this is just for fun and my rationality's safety, since i can't afford the therapy right now, HA.
Besides it is hard for me to say stuff sometimes so, yeah.. Probably you'll know more about what goes on inside, good luck with that!
Ok now I'll stop with the boring and useless introduction trying to excuse myself for this.. whatever.
Oh and by the way, it is NOT a love story with always smiling friends that put up with aaaall of your shit, and with a perfect mom, perfect dog, flowers and rainbows ok? don't expect that!
I'm thinking that maybe if you are still reading you would like to know a little bit of background story so you get who am I talking about. Just the three most important and if i add anyone else, i'll give you details later.
C: My boyfriend, photographer, he exaggerates stuff even more than i do sometimes, but i love him to death, he doesn't believe in love that much, no marriage, no kids, just a big ass apartment, he can't sleep most of the time, oversleeps, sometimes a little compulsive, and even though he hides it, extremely loving, caring and sensitive person.
D: Best friend in the world! He seriously is like my brother! If i don't ever get married and we both end up alone in the world i swear i'll marry him!! it would be so much fun. He's an overachiever, the star kid in his family, he's obsessed with being successful, famous and rich (who isn't? i mean, it is the reason why we got so close in the first place right?), perfect balance between smart, artistic and party animal.
O: She's my best friend, she can be a real bitch (something in common!) but be a really good friend, the thing with her is that sometimes we need each other so much, but if we spend too much time together we could strangle each other. We have a very similar family history (fancy way to say family traumas or problems) so we understand each other perfectly well in that aspect.
For now, these are the important people in my life, oh yeah, and Japon, that's my baby (dog!) who is almost finished chewing my whole apartment. but Anyway, I'll start with today's issues.
C graduated from college, and i still have one more year to go.. I don't know what is going to happen, i thought it would be simple and he would move kinda close and we would see each other over the weekends. WRONG! it's not simple, it's way more complicated than i would like my life to be. He's probably moving 7 1/2 hours away, and traveling that far every weekend it's not cheap, let's not forget about all the horny women out there (including me) and i have so much going on in my life, maybe more than i can handle (which sometimes i am proud of, but GOD it IS exhausting!).
The thing is that the relationship has already been so complicated for 5 years, and I feel kinda stupid that it took me that long to realize what i had in front of me. But now i do and i don't plan on letting go, I will work my ass off to make it work (for as long as he wants me of course). Forgive me all the haters out there, but i am a helpless romantic and I even think it's gross sometimes but yeah, sorry. Anyway, now that we have a stable 'normal' and healthy relationship, everything changes and we have very different plans for the future, so that's my dilemma with him.
When i was younger i thought i would be the kind of woman who didn't need a man, and i had no interest in marrying anyone, i mean not that i didn't want the dream wedding and family, i just didn't care. But we all change right? I first changed in a bad way, then i realized it, got bored and hurt and finally changed for good. We all grow up, we change, and then we realize our dreams when we were young are harder to accomplish than you thought or maybe even impossible. Has becoming a good girl now made me miserable? agh! (FYI: i tend to exaggerate things a little sometimes, i'm not that miserable). Ok.. first i need to be clear, i changed for myself and nobody else! that "i changed for you my love!!" story is too overrated.. and by ''change myself'' i mean i fixed what we all have to fix at some point of our lives: self-destructive behavior.
Now to the story! Today's thoughts:
D, he's already graduated and have a job in the same place where C is planning to move, so yeah there's half of my freaking life living almost 8 hours away from me, (i know! boring! and frustrating!). Now try to picture my last college year by myself, as i said before, O and I have some trouble spending too much time together and her friends are not likable at all.. These macho-beer-no brain people don't get along with artists like us! we just don't have anything in common (that's what i think at least).
I spent my whole day in bed today, Im not trying to seem depressing! i was watching Desperate Housewives' 6th season and eating mango with Tajin. Also i thought that C and I should talk things out, because i don't think its going to be easier if he just leaves next week and we don't talk about this far away thing and REALLY go over it. On the other hand, i don't want to spend the last days together fighting or all depressed. I need D so much!! he always understands! We talk on the phone for hours, but we all know it's not the same. O is not taking summer classes this time and i will be completely alone starting next week. It's funny, one of my biggest fears has always been end up alone.. and i know next week is coming up very soon and i'm kind of freaking out.
I said everything for today i think, prepare for next week, i'll have nothing to do lol.
xo
If you don't know me personally, go on.. thanks for reading i guess.. :D
If you do, don't judge! It is a frustrated dream to be a writer, this is just for fun and my rationality's safety, since i can't afford the therapy right now, HA.
Besides it is hard for me to say stuff sometimes so, yeah.. Probably you'll know more about what goes on inside, good luck with that!
Ok now I'll stop with the boring and useless introduction trying to excuse myself for this.. whatever.
Oh and by the way, it is NOT a love story with always smiling friends that put up with aaaall of your shit, and with a perfect mom, perfect dog, flowers and rainbows ok? don't expect that!
I'm thinking that maybe if you are still reading you would like to know a little bit of background story so you get who am I talking about. Just the three most important and if i add anyone else, i'll give you details later.
C: My boyfriend, photographer, he exaggerates stuff even more than i do sometimes, but i love him to death, he doesn't believe in love that much, no marriage, no kids, just a big ass apartment, he can't sleep most of the time, oversleeps, sometimes a little compulsive, and even though he hides it, extremely loving, caring and sensitive person.
D: Best friend in the world! He seriously is like my brother! If i don't ever get married and we both end up alone in the world i swear i'll marry him!! it would be so much fun. He's an overachiever, the star kid in his family, he's obsessed with being successful, famous and rich (who isn't? i mean, it is the reason why we got so close in the first place right?), perfect balance between smart, artistic and party animal.
O: She's my best friend, she can be a real bitch (something in common!) but be a really good friend, the thing with her is that sometimes we need each other so much, but if we spend too much time together we could strangle each other. We have a very similar family history (fancy way to say family traumas or problems) so we understand each other perfectly well in that aspect.
For now, these are the important people in my life, oh yeah, and Japon, that's my baby (dog!) who is almost finished chewing my whole apartment. but Anyway, I'll start with today's issues.
C graduated from college, and i still have one more year to go.. I don't know what is going to happen, i thought it would be simple and he would move kinda close and we would see each other over the weekends. WRONG! it's not simple, it's way more complicated than i would like my life to be. He's probably moving 7 1/2 hours away, and traveling that far every weekend it's not cheap, let's not forget about all the horny women out there (including me) and i have so much going on in my life, maybe more than i can handle (which sometimes i am proud of, but GOD it IS exhausting!).
The thing is that the relationship has already been so complicated for 5 years, and I feel kinda stupid that it took me that long to realize what i had in front of me. But now i do and i don't plan on letting go, I will work my ass off to make it work (for as long as he wants me of course). Forgive me all the haters out there, but i am a helpless romantic and I even think it's gross sometimes but yeah, sorry. Anyway, now that we have a stable 'normal' and healthy relationship, everything changes and we have very different plans for the future, so that's my dilemma with him.
When i was younger i thought i would be the kind of woman who didn't need a man, and i had no interest in marrying anyone, i mean not that i didn't want the dream wedding and family, i just didn't care. But we all change right? I first changed in a bad way, then i realized it, got bored and hurt and finally changed for good. We all grow up, we change, and then we realize our dreams when we were young are harder to accomplish than you thought or maybe even impossible. Has becoming a good girl now made me miserable? agh! (FYI: i tend to exaggerate things a little sometimes, i'm not that miserable). Ok.. first i need to be clear, i changed for myself and nobody else! that "i changed for you my love!!" story is too overrated.. and by ''change myself'' i mean i fixed what we all have to fix at some point of our lives: self-destructive behavior.
Now to the story! Today's thoughts:
D, he's already graduated and have a job in the same place where C is planning to move, so yeah there's half of my freaking life living almost 8 hours away from me, (i know! boring! and frustrating!). Now try to picture my last college year by myself, as i said before, O and I have some trouble spending too much time together and her friends are not likable at all.. These macho-beer-no brain people don't get along with artists like us! we just don't have anything in common (that's what i think at least).
I spent my whole day in bed today, Im not trying to seem depressing! i was watching Desperate Housewives' 6th season and eating mango with Tajin. Also i thought that C and I should talk things out, because i don't think its going to be easier if he just leaves next week and we don't talk about this far away thing and REALLY go over it. On the other hand, i don't want to spend the last days together fighting or all depressed. I need D so much!! he always understands! We talk on the phone for hours, but we all know it's not the same. O is not taking summer classes this time and i will be completely alone starting next week. It's funny, one of my biggest fears has always been end up alone.. and i know next week is coming up very soon and i'm kind of freaking out.
I said everything for today i think, prepare for next week, i'll have nothing to do lol.
xo
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