Look Forward!

“You’ll never find the right person if you don’t let go of the wrong one!”

I learned that the rough way!

Have you seen those shows on TV where they show those kind of people that really can’t let go of stuff? and they they show how they can’t even walk in their houses? It’s weird that we all look at them thinking: “poor man or woman, she has all this trash in her house that for some reason they can’t just throw away, how can they live like that? I could never live like that”

Well, let me tell you: most of us are EXACTLY like that, but just because it is seen as something more usual, we don’t get to be on TV and get help. Yes, we all have so much trash in our lives that we just can’t let go, even when we know that we should.

I used to think that especially as a woman, having not enough attention from our dads, or not having a male figure when we were young, makes us be attracted to the guys who give us the WRONG kind of attention that we “NEED.” But I’ve been starting to think that it is just an excuse.

Women are just so in love with sadness and pain. And I recently read a book about the psychology there is to this problem, and we don’t need a PhD. to understand this: WE NEED TO GET REAL AND LET GO. We just like to be treated like trash, and it’s just not right.

I was looking for quotes to start this entry, and believe me there’s millions of them! it was not hard at all. Someone decided to say that love is pain, and we all believed it.The media has a lot influence on this, yes. But we just really need to think about it! It’s not rocket science! If a guy or girl is not treating you well, let go!

I am a helpless romantic, and I used to think that risking everything, and just because I suffered for him, then he should be with me, because I am “so passionate.” But hey, guess what?? suffering for the one you love does not mean that you are passionate, and therefore you deserve them (or they deserve you).

If you are not suffering for someone’s love, it doesn’t mean that you don’t love them enough.. It means it’s healthy and makes you happy, instead of sad. Just as the quote says, you need to not waste time thinking, or suffering for someone who is making you and letting you feel that way. And all that time that you spent trying to be ‘good enough’ for someone who isn’t, the right one could’ve passed by.. and you missed it.

All those ghosts of people who hurt you, need to be thrown away. We fill our hearts with useless feelings, regrets, and memories that are blocking your way! just like the people with their houses full of stuff! we need to realize that the only person that can make you truly happy.. is yourself. And I learned that the hard way, but it was worth it! because now that my heart is clean! I was able to receive someone worth of being let in and I was able to love him with all my heart.

I would like so see more people happy and in love, with the right one. And when in doubt, just remember that God gave us like a ‘checklist’ to keep in mind for a healthy relationship on 1 Corinthians 13:4:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKkg-uKZr6A&feature=player_embedded
"You’ll feel love again
After the rain”

Wait!!.. Go!!

Have you ever wondered why people so talented never go and pursue their dreams and ambitions? why is it that person who could easily be very successful isn't?

Well i have given this some thought and I think it is because we just spend our lives waiting. Yes, waiting.

When we were little kids, we had to wait to open the Christmas gifts, wait for dessert, wait for your birthday presents and cake, we had to wait for our parents to pick us up or for the bus to take us home. And yeah, these are some things you HAVE to do, these are things that you have to know when you are young, you can't NOT wait to cross the street or you can't just decide to go back home by yourself when you are 8 right? duh, obviously!

But I guess that just like everything else in life, everything that can be good, we abuse it. Stuff like being impulsive.. It is usually categorized as a bad characteristic instead of a good one.. Of course! I'm not saying we should do everything without thinking! everything HAS to be in balance.. but us people we love to be extremists.

I just think we should learn when to be impulsive, and when should we wait. And if you think about it, waiting is worse than doing! because even if you did something wrong without thinking, hopefully you'll learn from it, and next time you'll just know better.

How many people's life is not as good as it could be because they wait. The woman who waits for her husband to change when he hits her, the ones in love that wait for the other person to take the first step, the rockband that waits in the garage to just magically be 'discovered', the artists who wait for a 'good opportunity' to show their work, the businessperson who waits for that promotion he always wanted, etc... again: why wait?! :)

Well my point is, we should all learn to just go for it. Even start small, eat something that you would never thought you would try!
(and yes I'm in a very optimistic mood today hahaha)

Back to Basics....??

Women back in the 1940's were finally making our dreams as women come true!! I mean, The Women’s Army Corps (WAC) and Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service (WAVES) were established, congress authorized women to serve in the U.S. Navy, Eleanor Roosevelt was appointed as a U.S. delegate, Alice Coachman became the first African American woman to win an Olympic gold medal, the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League is founded, etc etc etc!! all successes right?? We were finally becoming independent, strong, fearless women who were able to do anything.

But what happened?? now that we don't have to stay home, raise the kids, iron clothes, sew, paint and cook all day, what are we doing now?? I think that nowadays a woman who knows how to cook, sew, paint, wash and iron clothes right is very rare.. and don't even get me started on raising kids.. nowadays kids have no respect whatsoever towards parents.. and guys.. as much as i love you all.. u all became assholes and gentlemen are extremely close to extinction. I mean even men want to be women now!!

Don't get me wrong, I am a woman who loves to be strong, independent, and all those things that these hero women brought us. BUT! are we forgetting all the good things that NOT being SO independent taught our ancestors? Think about it, how many of our grandparents are divorced? it's not even close to the ratings from today.. how many broken homes? how many teen parents, single moms, abortions, etc..
Is it that we are taking advantage of so much freedom, but not the right way? or what is it??

MAYBE we just forgot, that all these women gave us the CHOICE to get out and be somebody BETTER, not give up our roles as women.. I think that these women's ideals were to brake us free from being treated as objects, and give us the opportunity to CONTRIBUTE to the world or whatever, so we could be heard.. not so we could forget about being a wife, a mom, etc. We even treat ourselves as objects nowadays.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right, but i just don't understand, I can't even decide which era was worse, back then or right now? Yeah we can vote, lead companies, go to college, be famous, etc. but look at what we are now.. We all grow up too fast, try drugs at 12? have sex at 13? be a single mom at 16? and all that and we don't even know how to cook, or even worse: how to make a decision.. and It's a cycle, cuz if our parents lived like this, then is allowed.. If they had a mentality like back in the 40's it would be a disaster! the worst!
so?? how do we live now??

I couldn't help but wander, all this came to my mind because someone told me I was being manipulated by my boyfriend.

I am personally fascinated by women in the 40's, I love how they were taught that you could only be a wife if you met the requirements, only if you were a real lady (not a whore wearing a 1 inch long skirt), then you could marry a real Gentleman (not a drug addict, women beating dude). If you think about it, it makes sense! it's like a princess story, but with the touch of reality.. You can't be a princess and have a decent prince if you don't meet certain requirements right?? It's the same thing!! I'ts just the way I see it, and I just think it's fascinating.

Anyway, about this person's comment.. IT got me thinking because the reason why she told me this, is because I like to at least try to be like these 40's women, I take care of my boyfriend like that and I am making an effort to learn how to cook (it's getting there! but I'm no chef!), I know how to sew, I love to read and learn about psychology and kids, and being a good parent, I don't believe in divorce, etc. I just feel kinda like this 40's women. And my boyfriend is kinda old fashion in some way too, so he lets me.. But is that behavior seen as manipulation? It's kinda fucked up! no wonder we have a terrible society.

I am not a fully 40's woman who doesn't speak, and He's not the controlling man like back then either. We share those 'old fashion' beliefs, but not exactly like people used to be, we also like to be modern! like we can talk and make decisions together instead of just dividing duties we can share them, like a 21st century couple.. but he's still kind, opens the door, takes care of me, protects me, cares for the family approval, etc. like a gentleman. And he's called controlling now? I'm confused.

I think the way of thinking like this person's comment it's just forgetting why women stood up and wanted to take over. We wanted to take over and when we were on the right direction we forgot our goal. we ended up giving one step forward and two steps back.

New York City!

OK i haven't been here because i have been crazy busy with this "actually following your dreams" thing lol. And just to make long story short.. every single effort, sacrifice, sweat, blood and tears that i dealt with for the last 10 months were completely worth it. I didn't have the most callbacks or anything like that, but I had two from agencies that are ready to start working with me "whenever I'm ready," those are the words they said.
I can't even believe what just happened, and i came back and catched up with all the schoolwork and a got freaking A's for the classes i was taking.. I mean, for real?? I think God is trying to teach me something!! :D

I hate people that think they are less or more than others, because they think the difference is money; but no!! what makes us different from each other and in some ways more than others (or less), is our willingness to live, go after your dreams, sacrifice to get what you want, etc.

I have never been more proud of myself than I am today, if I ever felt like I wasn't good enough, I proved myself wrong by going to this thing and showing ME, how the judges thought i was a perfect make up artist, and Model Agencies want to represent me.. i mean i still can't believe it.

What I have to say today is, just go for it.. set aside all obstacles and MAKE IT HAPPEN. I recently watched the movie 'The Last Holiday' and if there's an example of what I am trying to say right now, is that movie.

IT'S LATER THAN YOU THINK!! life is short, go make some dreams come true ;)

Sunday Morning

I just broke down.
How the hell am i supposed to live like this? i knew i was going to be like this. I haven't left my bed in i don't know how many hours. That's what i get for only having D & C as my best friends(and boyfriend). I have nothing to do, with anyone. It freaking sucks!! and i hate all the "friends" that i have here, they are so fake (not in a good way) and having a brain is not in style. They are ALL stupid. And they ask me later why i don't ever go out.. as if it were ME the one who is boring and not interesting, funny isn't it?

I don't think that i can't deal with this, what is hard to process is that is not going to be just summer, or just a semester.. it's a whole damn year! and i can be super strong and put extra, extra, extra effort in the relationship, and i don't know maybe just super concentrate in school, to keep my mind busy while in still stuck in this stupid town. But what if he doesn't? don't get me wrong, i know he would never do anything to hurt me, but life is life, and what if something happens? And we have talked about it, we are not supposed to think about the future, and just live the present! the right now! but hey, guess what? the present sucks! there's nothing to live for right now. That philosophy is not going to cut it anymore, because a long distance relationship it's all about the future! is an investment, to be together in the future. So how can i not take into account what's going to happen next?
i just don't want to be brokenhearted, i don't have time for it, i don't like depression, i hate to think about life without him in it.

Just hard, and D is always there for me, but hey! he's not here either. Is it a sign? should i get out of here as soon as possible? i mean I'm trying. I even feel like seeing O, which is weird. She's going to come back and she is going to want to be with all those "friends" that i am so fond of.. *sigh*

It's frustrating. And as if this were not enough stress, mom is having $$$ problems, because of my New York modeling dream, i feel guilty and selfish. Sometimes i think i should've waited until i graduated and paid for it myself. And the thing is i don't know if I'm a good enough model, i am not as skinny, or tall, i know i am sort of good, but not good enough.
I have always had that odd feeling of not being good enough. I was not good enough to become a ballerina when i was 10, or to stay in my rock band when i was 14, I was not a good enough at being a music major at 18, or art, I don't think I have what it takes to be a good make up artist, I don't even think that if I become a business person that i would be as good. I mean I am sort of good in all these things, but not great, or good enough. I think the IMTA thing is going to be the closest i will ever get to fulfill a dream this big. I think that might be the real reason why i am doing it. and it's aaaall stupid because i can't even stand myself thinking this stuff, as if i were feeling sorry for myself, and i don't.
I just think that i have been fighting against the whole freaking world my whole life, because i want to be different, i feel different from everyone, and it's frustrating that i try, and try , and try over and over again, and there's no reward for me, i don't get anything but this! opportunities that i just watch slip away, the people i love, far away, dad is getting sicker everyday (let me tell you that alcoholism is just as hard and frustrating than any other terminal disease). And I know i am blessed with all these other stuff that God has provided, but as many would understand, it's hard to accept when things are not meant for you, and we have to trust what God is trying to teach us. And maybe just God has a different plan for me that doesn't include anything that i thought i was meant to be. And it's ok. But is hard.

Imagine if you Let Go

I believe that the hardest things in life are to forgive, to let go and say goodbye.
If you notice, all of these have in common that we have to deal with being able to detach
from something or someone.
I've been feeling so weird, this thing about he leaving is going to be too hard. Don't get me wrong, i will do everything humanly possible to keep our relationship growing.
It's weird for me not because i don't think i can do it, because i am more than 100% confident that i will put all my efforts to work this out. The thing is that i am scared, we are so used to be together and be right next to each other whenever we need it most.
Today while i was taking a nap i had this dream, and i think it means something!!
C and I were driving in his car, and he wanted to stop at an ATM before this party we were going, and when he got out of the car, two strange men started walking towards the car and i was sure they were trying to harm us, the man tried to open my door, (i locked it just in time) so i freaked and jumped to the driver's seat and told C to get in the car, he did it just in time before the other man got him.

I was shaking and my driving trying to escape was nowhere near to be like the Fast and Furious or anything heroic; and just when i tried to turn on the next street a bunch of men dressed in black started shooting at us, and we could just put our heads down, i drove a little more without no vision whatsoever on what was in front of us.
As soon as we felt we were out of the sight of the guys shooting we got out of the car as soon as possible and ran through the empty dark streets.

We ran until we found a house were there were a lot of people outside, the seem to be having fun, and a few drinks, we decided to stay there for a while (a lot of witnesses and maybe we could blend in with the others). After a few minutes three police cars surrounded the party, they were checking for minors drinking, and C was being interrogated by a fat old cop, i was being interviewed by this young beautiful black woman, and i was trying to explain to her what happened to us, and that i left my ID at the car. It took me a while to convince her that it was the truth, but i guess she saw i was being honest (and not drinking) so she tried to help, and whenever i turned to tell C that she would escort us home and we would be safe, he was gone.

What i felt in that moment is just inexplicable, there was this empty darkness in me, as if he took the life inside of me with him, the only thing that comforted me was that he was probably with the fat cop so he would not be harmed. I begged the woman to take me home, i felt that he would go there if he didn't see me.
She took me in the police car to our house. We waited there until the sunrise, the keys of the house were at C's car so i couldn't get in.

After hours of being extremely patient, and feeling so confused, scared and anxious at the same time, he showed up, he was fine and he had my key to the house. I woke up (10 min until 1, i was going to be late for class).

Maybe it's going to be like that dream. We are going to feel anxious, confused and we are going to have to be extremely patient. But at the end we are going to work things out and we will be fine.

We have forgiven each others mistakes, We've let go of the past, the insecurities and doubts, and now we have to say goodbye for some time. But if we get through this one,every other obstacle will be a lot easier to overcome, nothing is going to break us apart right?
I'm just hopeful that the feeling i have is right, that he is the ONE.I do believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, and I think he's the one that he wants me to love, appreciate and take care of.

I'm just terrified of losing him.
I love him, like I've never loved anyone else.
It is different, it's not like a childish high school fun feeling,
love is way more complicated than that.
Communication is one of those complicated parts of love.
But we are good at it.
It's just hard to see you go.
I'm just so happy that i get to share my life with him.
I'm just so lucky to be in love with my best friend.

Dream Wedding?

I just woke up feeling extremely uncomfortable and worried. Why? because I thought what I was dreaming was reality, and it was scary and didn't make sense.
It was my wedding, but everything was wrong, my best friends didn't congratulate me, they were mad at me. My family was not even happy for me. The dress was too big for me, I hated the place (it looked like a library on a boat that was not on water). My new mother-in-law was being mean and I didn't even know her. Everything was new to me even the groom, I didn't know him and we were handcuffed to each other, and he was FINE with it!!
I was trapped with this guy that I didn't know and my family and friends were mad at me because they knew I was not happy, all I could think about was C. How could i do this to him? I didn't want this unless the person besides me was C. I needed to get rid of this stranger and try to explain it to him.
Then I woke up.

Thank God it was just a dream. But now I am thinking, Is that how it feels like? to get what you want, but not in the right way.
One of my dreams now is to get married in a couple of years and be happy, and have kids. But not with someone I don't know. In the dream I was so worried that C was not there, as if i had erased the previous years before the wedding.. I couldn't remember what happened, how did I get there?
Maybe my unconscious mind is trying to remind me that even if I have to give up marriage and kids, it's all going to be worth it, because C will be there. right?
I've been thinking a lot about this the last 3 days. Is it worth it to give up these dreams, to be with C, and i guess I have my answer.

Isn't it weird that when you are going through something on the radio the song fits you, or a book you r reading in school, or church! the sermon ALWAYS has answers for whatever it is that you are struggling with.
When I woke up the first thing that i saw was this very interesting quote that fits for today: "Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and hope for Tomorrow." <3